Abstract
Extramarital
affairs are usually seen as wrong or immoral since no one can accept being
cheated by his/her spouse. After exploring them, I have found that they have
been given discrimination all along. However, in fact, adultery exists for its
own positive and meaningful reasons. It also can pull someone out of the abyss
of emptiness which is caused by an unhappy childhood. When it comes to laws
against adultery, decriminalizing it has been a controversial issue. It should
be conducted since laws against adultery in several countries impose
discrimination and violence on women. In conclusion, this paper is done from
different aspects of adultery in order to give you a fresh look on it.
Should
Extramarital Affairs Be Accepted?
Most people cannot recognize
extramarital affairs because no one wants to share his or her spouse with
someone else. Since they signify being unfaithful to one’s partner, they are
usually considered to be immoral or even culpable. But as far as I am concerned,
extramarital affairs are provided with something positive and meaningful. So,
my point is people should not completely exclude infidelity; instead, we should
accept the truth that it is really needed in our society.
Let us face it: there is no perfect marriage.
Originally, “in love” feelings do not last forever. And when they disappear, we
should realize that loving feeling takes a lot of work, so we must start
working at a relationship right away. However, when someone asks, "why
can't you just get a divorce?" There are a couple of reasons for not doing
so. First, the kids. Being hurt by the closest people in the world, they will
move on someday but be affected by it forever. Second, livelihood. It is not
easy for a woman, who quits her job after getting married to make her career.
What’s more, there is still discrimination towards single parent and the
children. It causes them to lose self-confidence and thus influences their
future development.
The reasons above make extramarital
affairs needed. For those who have too much concern to get divorced, infidelity
is a good means to save the situation. It can be a warning for your spouse to
face the problems in the marriage. For example, by doing this, you can show
what the family will be like when you are not part of it, which implies your
importance. And if you have already known your partner cheating on you, by
doing this, you are taking revenge on him or her. Furthermore, there are
several advantages of extramarital affairs. People who engage in infidelity,
start learning how to dress up and tend to be more appealing and charming. This
helps them retrieve self-confidence and self-worth which they lose from unhappy
marriages.
Stop Stigmatizing Adultery
When it comes to
adultery, people tend to think of it as wrong or immoral, and directly ignore
exceptions. Here, Yin-Bin Ning (2002) told you that “a stereotype without
regard to individual differences, considering adultery as a depraved behavior,
is discrimination toward it. And, discrimination in itself is definitely
wrong!” The adjective “immoral” usually comes after breaking the promises for
marriage. However, we should realize that every marriage works in its own way.
And every couple can reach different agreements and have their own arrangements
for life. “In different marriages, loyalty of sex or lying may not matter
anymore.” So, followings are some examples provided by Ning, for proving that
adultery deserves a different comment.
There is a kind of marriage called
“open marriage.” It refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each
may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as
infidelity. In an open marriage, the partners have no promise to keep the loyalty
of sex. So, in this way, they will not break the promise because there is even
no one. And certainly, we cannot regard this kind of adultery as immoral.
What’s more, even though there is a
promise for the loyalty of sex in some marriage, when adultery happens, we
still cannot directly call it immoral. For example, there is man who had a car
accident and has been paralyzed. He was too afraid to lose his wife, so he
strongly required her loyalty of sex. When time flies, his wife has spared no
efforts to take care of the other for years, she finally committed adultery
because her spouse couldn't satisfy her sexual needs. In this case, should we
call it immoral? The wife has done what she should and could do. However, she
is just like all of us, being a human and has physical needs. She deserves a
better life, and adultery is just a way she used to pursue her own happiness.
General speaking, hostility toward
adultery is seen as a useful way to protect marriage. But, if it is really
useful, then why is adultery widespread, and does divorce rate get higher and
higher? So, it is still question that whether discrimination toward adultery
can protect marriages. However, I would like to restate that adultery can be an
alternative way to save one’s marriage and also oneself from possible problems
happening in the future. In conclusion, adultery deserves a different comment
other than “immoral.” And even, we cannot ignore its positive effects. “Not
every adultery is the same,” which means not every adultery is immoral!
Adultery Is an Alternative Way to Save
Yourself
There is no
perfect marriage. Woo Sean (2006) suggested that when people find something
wrong in their marriages, they tend to resort to ways like "marriage
consulting, more talking or tolerance, and praying to God." However, as we
see divorced rate gets higher and higher, it is obvious that the normal and
moral ways do not work. So, the author holds the point that adultery is
necessary and exists as an unconventional way for those who are in the dilemma
of choosing not to get a divorce but having no solution to resolve the current
situation.
Some may just get a divorce to get
away from misery. But here are three main concerns for persuading you not doing
so. And if you are taking this option, in other words, you will not be trapped
in these concerns; instead, you can avoid tragedies happening in the future and
get something which you never expect.
First, kids. Undoubtedly, a broken
family brings a child an everlasting harm to his/her heart, which definitely influences
the development of his/her future. Children go astray in teenage years, are
mostly grown up in a broken family where they never get enough love since they
were little, and thus seek attentions from peers who may do something illegal
like taking drugs. If you decide to leave your children, it is very likely that
some day when they commit a crime, you learn it from television but cannot do
anything since being alienated from them. But on the contrary, through their
growing process, you learn from them and also get the happiness which is
invaluable.
Second, financial problems. Most
families in Taiwan are with two incomes. So, when getting divorced,
single-parents cannot afford the cost of living and children's tuition. And for
those women who quit jobs to take care of husbands and kids, it is hard for
them to go back to workplace for being unfamiliar with professional skills. So,
if you stay, then you don't have to worry about the kids are poorly fed or you
cannot afford them to go to cram schools or colleges. It is a chronically
physical and mental suffering which you never want to be stuck in.
Last but not least, hostility and
hatred toward divorced couples and their children in our society. For adults,
they may be labelled as being abusive or having some bad habits that fail their
marriages. For children, it is very likely they may be mocked by peers only
having one parent. This kind of gossip or mischief seems not a big deal but
actually makes both adults and children lose self-confidence.
So, compared with getting divorced,
maybe adultery is a better choice. When a couple use adultery to save their
marriage, reaching a consensus is needed. Like an agreement that on the basis
of bringing up the children together and maintaining family's atmosphere, each
other can develop his/her own relationship. Although adultery is risky and
considered immoral, it is useful to keep possible regret or affliction at bay
for you.
Adultery Pulls You Out of the Abyss of
Emptiness
Adultery may retrieve
yourself mentally and face emptiness in the bottom of heart, which is caused by
the unhappy growing process. There are all kinds of factors leading to the
sense of loss in childhood, but the main cause is that we have piles of unmet
needs. “These unsatisfied demands are believed to bring feelings like
frustration, harm, and emotional pain which compose emptiness,” as suggested by
Weil & Winter (1994). They show that people turn to adultery to fill the
emptiness deep in mind, which is induced by something wrong in the childhood.
Here
is an example from the book. (Page # 158) Ian is the only but unexpected child
in his family. He desires to be loved, cared, and depended on because he never
really understands his father and even is not close to his mother. Though he
got married, he never tells his wife about his desire deep in mind. Ian
committed adultery finally, but he has learned to express his needs afterwards
and she has learned to listen to. In this case, we see that getting little love
makes Ian’s heart full of emptiness. When he feels it again, he is not a little
boy anymore who can just endure loneliness, but a grow-up who can find
consolation to relieve the intolerable pain. Should he be blamed for cheating
on his wife? The author tells you that Ian should be forgiven. Because normal
ways like talking did not work in the relationship between him and his parents,
he had to resort to an unconventional way like adultery this time to save the
marriage. And we see it really worked since adultery made this couple face
their problems and successfully dealt with them.
So, should adultery be criticized?
In view of the vows, the person who commits adultery should be blamed because
he/she did break the promise. But look at the traits of emptiness. They included
“Everyone feels it”, “It comes from not keeping some relationships” and “It
comes from not knowing self or losing self because of someone.” (Page #200) The
second trait indicates that instead of eating much food, drinking a lot, taking
medicine or overworking, people tend to build up another relationship to find
consolation for their loss or unsatisfied needs in the former or present
relationship. And also, the third trait shows Ian's problems. Getting not
enough love from his parents makes him dare not to express his needs in fear of
no response. This causes him to lose himself and gradually not know what he
really desires. Here, through adultery, Ian has been saved and thus changed his
marriage since then. In conclusion, although adultery must be considered immoral
or shameful, it still exists as a useful way to retrieve yourself even though
in the first place, you just want to fill the emptiness by it.
Laws against Adultery Impose
Discrimination and Violence on Women
Laws are made to restrict people’s
behaviors. So, there are laws against adultery, whose intent is to show its
incompatibility with the society and also validity of a marriage contract.
However, in several countries, punishing people who commit adultery by severe
penalties turns out offending against human rights and imposing conspicuous
discrimination and violence on women. These laws deviate from their original
purposes and bring about social problems which for a long time, human beings
have tried so hard to deal with. Therefore, after reading the reference
composed by Frances Raday (2012) in “Oxford Human Rights Hub”, I go to search
the details of these laws in “Wikipedia” which are displayed in the following
paragraphs.
In Article 333 of the Criminal Law
in Philippines, adultery is defined as“Adultery
is committed by any married woman who shall have sexual intercourse with a man
not her husband．．．”The
subject in the text only refers to females. This law shows inequality in
gender. Although men in Philippines are convict of a related act of concubinage,
the word “adultery” should not refer to specific sex. Everyone is likely to
engage in adultery. And also, “in some Islam countries where the law prohibits
adultery for men as well as women, men are permitted to take more than one wife
and also to enter into temporary marriages.” Here, we see the laws have
defects. They provide men with privileges to avoid being punished. A man won’t
be criminalized if he marries to his mistress in time before being found he has
committed adultery.
In Pakistan, “the Hudood Ordinance
requires a woman making an accusation of rape to provide extremely strong
evidence to avoid being charged with adultery herself.” However, this
unreasonable request does brutal violence on women since “a conviction for rape
is only possible with evidence from no fewer than four witnesses.” Moreover,
“honor killings” exist legally in Jordan. In Article 340 of the Penal Code of
Jordan states that “he who discovers his wife or one of his female relatives
committing adultery and kills, wounds, or injures one of them, is exempted from
any penalty." That means men can kill or injure women only for maintaining
their dignity and reputations. Life is the basic human rights, but it works
differently in Jordan: honor is the priority.
Laws are made to keep social order
instead of creating problems and arousing controversies. It is time for
following developed countries' steps: decriminalizing adultery. Abolishing
these laws cannot fully protect women. However, it is for sure that if they are
not abandoned, women are meant to be injured.
Conclusion
Exploring
adultery comprehensively can make you have different opinions about it. You may
find that not every adultery is immoral. What’s more, everyone should go
further to accept the truth that adultery is really needed in our society. So,
stop condemning adultery just because you have only known part of it.
Extramarital affairs definitely should be accepted for their positive and
meaningful reasons.
References
Woo, Sean. (April,
2006). The Necessity of Adultery. Retrieved from http://woosean. pixnet.net/blog/post/ 23604229-%E5%A9%9A%E5%A4%96%E6%83%85%E7%9A% 84%E5%BF%85%E8%A6%81%E6%80%A7
Weil, B.E & Winter,
R (June, 1994). Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Frances Raday. (2012, November
2). Decriminalizing adultery: Eliminating discrimination and violence against
women. Oxford Human Rights Hub. Retrieved from http://ohrh.
law.ox.ac.uk/?p=475
Ying-Bin, Ning. (May,
2002). Is Adultery Immoral? Retrieved from http://intermargins.net/
repression/deviant/ Marriage/adultery/articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020513a.htm
